So I decided that if I plan on actually achieving my goal, I should try to make it permament and concrete. I don’t know if anyone will ever find this, I don’t know if I will ever share it with anyone else, but what I do know is that this is for me. For me to know that I am counting on myself and I will not give up this time.
So, if you are not me, and I am finally letting someone read this or *gasp* you stumbled upon this somehow, Hello.
I am currently 20 years old and all my life I have struggled with my weight. Since I was younger I was always teased and I never really saw myself as this most beautiful person that many tried to tell me I was. Now I look back at my pictures and realize how iditiodict I was to let people get to me, because now when I see those pictures I do see a beauty.
Now, I am not shallow, I do not think beauty is only superficial, I know who I am and that I tend to be a good person, so my beauty is also within, however, I have always wanted to be psychically my own perfection, and no, not perfect to everyone else, perfect to me.
So, you must (or maybe not) be wondering if I am thinking to myself, I am not my perfect goal and I will look back in a couple years and be like “Oh, but I was so beautiful back then, what was I thinking?”. Well, no. I hope in a couple years I look back and then look in the mirror and high-five myself and just go on and be happy that I changed.
Now, as an obese person, I am actually quite healthy. Most my injuries and/or dieseases have been normal things that people get all the time, and a lot of them are from sports. So this is NOT simply about my health, but it is at the same time. You see, a 20 year old should not go to the doctor and have them put the scale to the max. Last doctors visit I had gave me what I have always looked as huge and horrible, over 200 pounds. No, not only over that, I was 300 pounds.
Enough is enough. Every year I tell myself I will go down in weight and be who I want to be, and I am sick and tired of breaking my word to myself. That is why I am making this. Because I will read this over and over and let ME see that I DO have the motivation, I just lose it and say screw it, I can’t. Well guess what, your dream will become a goal, future me.
We are currently in January. My brother will be getting married in November, I am currently a size 24/26 and altough I would LOVE to be a size 9/10, let’s be realistic, that isn’t going to happen. So my goal for THEN is to be maybe a size 15/16. I am going to be a bridesmaid and even at that size, I will be the biggest person. HOWEVER, I will not look at my brother’s wedding pictures and see me in a size 26 or lord forbid I gain weight and be any size higher. 10 sizes in like roughly 9 months. Can I do it? Let’s hope so. The least I will accept of myself is to be a size 18 by then, That’s somewhat more reasonable, but I still will strive for a 15/16(I will do 16, I don’t care which it is of those two).
After that, my goal will be maybe a size 10 by next summer. If I can do it, good. If I can’t, well, it took me 20 years to get to this size, it won’t happen overnight and I have the rest of my life to do this. But at least by November, I want to look decent for myself.
I am really actually secretly hoping people find this blog. Just so I can have people to encourage me and to help me. I have friends, but I am the big girl in the group, the next one is a size 16 and I just don’t think they would really understand 100% what it is like to be my size. What it is like to be the fattest girl in the group, and every time I call myself fat, they’re like “No, don’t say that” and I know they mean well, but let’s face it, it doesn’t help me.
Also, if some troll or jerk finds this blog and decides to try to be a jerk or bully or troll, I have lived years with the teasing and the bullying, I know how to ignore you and even when you get to me and get under my skin and make me break down, I get back up. So if you are going to just be here to try to bully me or tease me, sorry you will be wasting your time.
So, overall, hello. I hope someone is reading this and someone will be able to be my helper to keep motivated.