*warning, the first few paragraphs are a bit of a venting thing*
It has been a couple days since I posted because I was slowly losing hope. I saw myself in the mirror and hated what I saw back and wanted motivation, but found none at the time. My mom could not cook that day, so my dad was on dinner duty and if you have read my previous posts, he is not one to eat healthy. He made chicken fried rice, from a box, and it was almost like dog food. I had ran out of my healthy frozen dinners so I broke down and made ramen with onions. I felt really ashamed of myself and then that made me irritated.Most people can eat whatever they feel like eating, and that is because they don’t have to watch what they eat. I have been fat all my life and every time I eat I feel so ashamed if I eat something bad, and if I don’t feel it during the time I eat, I feel it after. Honestly, that is no way to live.
Now, I know “You chose to be fat and to look like you do”, and for the past few years, you would be right. I love my parents and I hate complaining and blaming them, but as a small child, how could I really know what to eat and not to eat? As I grew older, yeah, it was mainly my fault, but I did not cook the meals. My mom has always tried to make the food as healthy as possible, so I don’t blame her now, but my step-dad never seems to belive in eating healthy. However, God forbid if I don’t eat salad or vegetables first, he gets after my ass about it and I feel like slapping him. If he really cared so much, he would quit buying food that taunts me like mom and I have asked him to and maybe when he has to cook, decide to cook something healthy.
Anyways, I am tired of ranting about my parents and I am sure you are like “that has barely anything to do with the title”.
I hate having a life where my mass is the most important thing in my life. I can no longer look at the world for what it is, but I look at it and kinda see it as something that I occupy too much space is. No, I am not being suicidal, but it irks me that instead of looking at the beauty in things, I turn to this angry person with myself. I really want to go hiking sometime, but I think the closest place to go hiking is 2-3 hours away. I am determined to do it though.
I am also really tired of the looks I get from people, and no this is not a paranoid kinda thing. I see the way some people look at me and it angers me. I am WORKING on trying to fix myself. I am TRYING to make myself and everyone else around me happy with how I look, but your judgemental looks isn’t helping. If anything, it makes me hate the mass that I am in this world.
Anyways, sometimes I reallt do lose hope. But then today I sat down after class to write this blog, and as I was snapchatting my friend, I noticed something about me. I noticed that I look slightly-smaller. It may not be something that everyone really would notice or care about, but it is such a big thing for a big thing like me(haha, have to find humour in this, right?). Tomorrow is my next appointment with the doctor. I am REALLY hoping for some good news,but I am not putting all my hopes in that. It has only been about a month, I can’t expect myself to have lost a lot of weight. However, I noticed next week starts March and that leaves me 8 months to drop maybe 8-10 sizes. I need to step up my game. I have an exam next week, so I may be too focus on school, but I think I am going to start doing more excersice, even if it is just a little bit more than the normal sit ups I have been doing, and I will not lie to you or myself, I have not really been doing them for a couple days and I need to give myself that motivation again. I think I am going to start printing out pictures of people who met their goals and their transformations and sticking them in the fridge and pantry and my room so I can remind myself that anyone can do it,but I have to work for it.
Having to live with obesity sucks, but there is a way to fix it. There is a way to stop hating the mass that I am in the world, and start seeing the beauty in it again and stop the self-anger I seem to have.
Thank you for reading all of this, if you did. Thank you if you are actually following me through this journey, if anyone really is.