Being a critic on my body, in a healthy way. 

Most girls will look at their TV shows, movies, cartoons, anything and think “man, I am so jealous of how that girl looks”. I feel them, I’ve been there. I’ve never been happy with my body, and when I get happy, someone seems to shoot me down. 
Last week my mom bought me a dress, I was so in love with it because it showed my body in a good way, it fit in all the right places and I was in love with it, but when I showed it to my grandma she shot my self esteem so low, even the bottomless pits of the oceans couldn’t reach it. I would’ve usually brushed it off as someone else giving me a backhanded compliment, someone trying to tell me that it looks great, but if I lost weight it could be better, but I know my grandma. She didn’t mean it that way, she never has. She’s always out to hurt my feelings about my weight, thinking that way I will hate myself so much I will force myself to change. 
I never realized what she was doing until then. However, I have been binge-watching Glee(it’s a secret obsession since 10th grade), and I no longer see the girls and say “I wish I was her” or “man, I would kill to look that good”. No. I don’t have to kill to look that way, I don’t have to wish to be like someone I am not. 
Now, when I see the girls on movies, TV shows, anything, now I think “I can look good in a dress like that. Maybe not now but I will”. That’s what I need to do. I can’t look myself in the mirror and hate what I see every time, now, I see myself and think “well, I see these love handles. What shall we do about them?” I have two options. I can either A) hate myself over it and continue eating unhealthy and doing nothing to change it, or B) finally grow up and work on it. 

I’ve tried so so hard to lose weight, but I haven’t thought to try to lose my mentality. I tried on my prom dress from 11th grade and it wouldn’t zip. I wanted to burst out in tears right then and there. Instead, I chose to go online and find inspirational wallpapers to put on my background for my phone. No more pictures of girls with awesome bodies or girls who have transformed themselves. No. I need to be able to be inspired by my actions. 
When I see myself in the mirror, I may not like who I see, but I will look in the mirror and instead of wanting to sit there and cry and yell at myself for how I am,I need to learn that you must change more than just your eating habits. I need to change my life, my routine, my feelings. I need to love myself, I need to be able to find peace within myself and not hate myself. If I can stop hating myself, I can start working with myself. 

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