Afraid

This is becoming a bad trend, I get on and blog and get off and stay off for awhile. It’s not so much that I don’t want to blog, but the same as my weight results, I keep stopping. 
I have been between 280-300 pounds for awhile now, and I stop seeing what I eat, how much I eat, when I eat, and exercising. It’s always the same “oh I’ll just do it for today”, “oh what’s one piece of candy going to hurt?,”well my body is tired so I should probably not work out today”, “I have a lot of stress, maybe I should try to relax”, etc. You guys know these lines, and we all know where they get us: nowhere. 


So I got a free 7day trial with Anytime Fitness, today I was supposed to meet with their personal trainer, but I didn’t. I didn’t want to get out of bed, I didn’t want to go to the gym and feel like others are looking at me and judging me or thinking “Pft, what the hell is that fatass doing here?” You know….all those loving thoughts we all have when our bodies are so much worse than what we want and when we hate ourselves so much. So, I didn’t go. I don’t think I’ll go back to that gym for awhile, mainly because I loved that gym. I loved their machines, their facility, everything! I can’t afford it though, I really should not be thinking about it when I don’t even have a job. I wrote my biological father to see if he could help me out(it’s a 2 year contract, it’s practically I think either $40 or $50 every month), and it’s kinda funny…..he will buy me mostly anything. New $112 jacket? Sure. New $500 game console? Sure. New IPhone? Sure. A gym membership that he himself has told me to look into and get? He has read and is ignoring my messages now. Kinda funny, isn’t it? 
The  my depression….my lord it’s horrible. My antidepressants aren’t working anymore, I swear my body is just rejecting everything. I’ve switched medicines,increased dosages, nothing. And then my anxiety…..I never knew how horrible anxiety was, I never actually knew I had anxiety. When I started my antidepressants at first I finally saw how it affected me. Now that they’re not working, it’s worse. I worry about everything, I stress about the smallest things, I tell myself over and over and over that I am not good enough. I’ve never known so much self-loathing was possible, and I never knew how hard it was, because I always said “oh it’s my depression, it’ll pass”. No, anxiety is an ugly monster, all of its own. 

Anyways, that’s not my point. All of this isn’t my point, it’s a summary of what has been since my last post. 
I am afraid. Like I am sitting here and I want to cry because I am so scared. I was watching Shane Dawson, I love him. He’s so great, he’s so amazing, and he is genuine. I watched his “I’m Bisexual” video yesterday, and I started just crying. Not because I too question my sexuality(I don’t) but because of his message. Be happy, be yourself. Love yourself. I cried, I cried for his pain, I cried for the self-hate, I cried for so many things. Then I read the comments, how mean and nasty people were to him. God, that made me cry more. 

I decided I had enough for the night, and went to bed. Today I was going through his videos and just laughing so hard because he’s so funny, and then I came onto his video about his weight loss and the surgery. 

Now, if you know Shane or have watched a few of his videos, you know that he lost a lot of weight. I always wondered if maybe he had a surgery or if his skin just shrink and he was fine. No. He had so much extra skin, and as I watched his video, I had to stop. 

I had to stop to calm my thoughts. I had such a dark pit in my stomach, so much worry,hate,pain….helpless. I know I’m not helpless, I know that it’s not impossible to lose weight, but I felt like I will never be able to be happy. He had to pay $10k for his surgery, I don’t even have $100 to my name. What if I do lose weight? What if even after I am a size I am happy that I will not be happy? I’m so…afraid. 
I looked up more videos and stumbled upon this girl, her name is Kaitlyn Smith. Her story is inspiring, like her and Shane are my role models when it comes to weight loss, but still her story doesn’t make me feel any happier. Maybe it’s because I haven’t done anything in awhile to help myself, maybe because she also has so much lose skin, I don’t know. 
However, tomorrow no matter what I am going to the gym at school. I will start. I can do this, even if it scares the crap out of me. 
Because my biggest fear is not being able to do this, but the only way to achieve it is to try. 

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